Frustrations

His name was Pete, and he was different than the other guys. We met one night at small pub when he leaned over and struck up a conversation. He had average looks, a warm smile, and a personality that absolutely blew me away. For the first time in my life (and remember that I'm on decade number 4), I gave a man -- in a bar -- my phone number on the night I met him. We began seeing one another, and since he worked offshore, we were only able to see each other about once a week for two months. For me, it was the ideal situation. Here was a man who was sincere, financially secure, knew what he wanted in life, was positive, attractive (the more I saw him, the better looking he became), and so intelligent. He told me so often that he admired my strength and my independence. And I thought I had finally found someone who "got" me. That is, until the phone calls, e-mails, and visits came to a screeching halt. Yep. Just. Like. That. Poof. I wondered what had happened. I sent 2 or 3 text messages over a two-month time period and finally sent a very concerned "are you dead in a ditch" email. Finally, he sent a message that stated he had met someone else and didn't think we should communicate any longer. I was fine with that since I'm of the opinion that if things are working out; they're just not working out. Hug, say goodbye, and walk away. NEXT!! However, my issue was he felt it necessary to tell me that this new woman was very dependent on him and she "needed" him and that was his attraction to her. UM? Huh??? He said he loved my independent nature and he loved the fact that I didn't "need" anyone. Yeah. okay. What the fuck ever, Pete.

So do men want a needy woman, or do they want one who can handle her own business, but still want that safe place to fall once in a while? I won't pretend to be a damsel in distress just to get a date, and if being independent limits my choices, then they'll just be limited. I just wish that people would say what they mean and mean what they say. Man, are those menzes frustrating at times.

Honorary Degrees

I wouldn’t consider myself an expert in any field. I have no PhD -- although I am working on a Bachelor's degree (after a VERY long hiatus). However, when it comes to love and relationships, I feel that my life experience, observation, and a phenomenal amount of time analyzing situations has granted me an “honorary relationship degree.”

I have amazing friends who have been an incredible source of wisdom, humor, and one epiphany after another. We may not always be on the same path or even on the same page, but we also offer the each other insightful advice at just the right moments.

My friends and I, collectively, have dated just about every stereotype on record. We are what someone might consider break-up experts since we’ve become so accomplished at coping with them. No, this might not sound like something to brag about, but we have learned so much, and are using this knowledge to better our future relationships and ourselves.
I’m quite content being single and fabulous. I’m not looking for a commitment right now, although if Mr. Right fell into my lap, I wouldn’t stand up and bolt to the nearest exit. My mission has been to find intellectual, interesting, and attractive friends with the potential for future relationships. I’ve been successful on some levels, failed miserably on others, but am still “out there.” I’m using this time as a learning experience. I’ve learned to spot red flags a mile away, and have realized that no matter what their background, income , education level, or social status, men are still "men," Honey. They are almost predictable to a fault. I’m recognizing patterns and signals and have become quite adept at reading between the lines and weeding out the insincere ones.

Since I work at home and am the poster child for introverts, one of my venue of choice for meeting “menzes” has been the internet. It's currently a world-wide phenomena at the moment, and yes, I got sucked into it somehow. I can’t even remember how I got started in this whole online roller coaster ride o’ dating. I wish I could so I could go back and equally thank and blame the person who convinced me to take the chance. A few years ago, you could have never convinced me to post a profile on one of the online dating sites (No, not even by bribing me with chocolate). Yes, I used to make fun of these “desperate people” who would spend endless hours online chatting with complete “strangers.” . The idea of complete strangers talking on line and “falling in love”? What was THAT about? Come on, how desperate WERE these people? I was completely flabbergasted that some of the “idiots” would actually meet in person. I was convinced that every man online was a stalker or ax-wielding serial killer in search of his next victim, and I most certainly would never fall prey to such a scenario. In the same vein, I just knew that all of the woman who joined these “online nightclubs” were women with low-self-esteem, gold diggers, or simply had no standards. So, color me the hypocrite now, and I am, for once, happily eating my words. Yes, I was wrong – well, about many of the people out there. Imagine my surprise when I met “normal” people online! I was shocked by the sheer number of ordinary people who simply don’t have the time or inclination to go out looking for friends or dates and don’t enjoy the bar scene. I have met professionals, Christians, single dads, average “joes,” and a sampling of every other demographic possible. Of course, I have met my share of potential stalkers, serial killers, or just plain nut jobs. It’s been a fascinating journey that is far from over. I’m enjoying the ride, and don’t plan on ending it any time soon.

So, jump on in and fasten your seatbelt. I can’t promise you a smooth ride, but it will definitely be full of twists, turns, humor (now, come on -- laugh WITH me -- not at me, heh) and interesting pit stops. But be warned, you’ll be joining us already in progress.

Dating after 40...

Like most teenage girls, I envisioned myself at age 40, happily married with children living out the suburban dream -- you the know the one: white picket fence, dog, cat, 2.2 kids and a husband with a briefcase. I’m now a 40-year single (widowed) mom of two teen aged boys. Will I ever remarry? That remains to be seen, but it is not on any of my obsessively written “to-do” lists at the moment, thank you very much. But I have recently experienced a kind of dating “reawakening.” I’ve learned that while the attitudes and motives of men haven’t really changed since I was in college, my perceptions have. When I was in college, every first date was potentially the first day of the rest of our lives together. I would always attach his surname to my first to make sure it “flowed”; after all, it would be a nightmare to have a rhyming name (no seriously, my friend Holly was once engaged to a man with the last name of Lollie, heh). It was my personal mission to find out his views on animals, children, his views on gender roles in the home, his work ethic, and his future goals. It was exhausting. By date number three, my girlfriends and I would giggle over Bride magazine, while planning the honeymoon and picking out china patterns. It didn’t matter if my potential groom’s tastes in music, food, and movies differed. I could learn to appreciate his interests and change for him. Wasn’t that what dating and marriage was all about? Didn't getting married mean pleasing your spouse at all costs? Besides, when you get married, you to get to wear a really cool dress, get lots of gifts, and then live happily ever after. Right?

If there was an Olympic event for being clueless and naïve, I would have scored the gold.

Now, however, that giggling little girl has grown up. And after learning too many lessons to count, this 40-and-fabulous single woman, is armed with experience, knowledge, and the confidence needed to walk into the dating arena yet again. Well…let’s hope so.

Will it be easy? Probably not. Will I always make intelligent choices? That’s an easy no. Will I get my feelings hurt, my heart broken, or be disappointed? There’s an excellent chance of that. But am I ready for one of the most exciting and interesting periods of my life? Emphatically speaking: Yes.

If nothing else, I’ll have some great party stories, and I plan on sharing all of them here: the good, the bad, the heartfelt and yes, even the embarrassing.

But the question remains: Can a 40-year old woman find happiness and fulfillment in the dating world? Stay tuned for the answer...